Spring will soon be bustin’ out all over! It means just one thing:
Just joking, hay fever zombies! Seriously, spring means lots of things, like Hope Eternal... bubbling waters where fish do stuff… and those squeaky coiled things inside your mattress. Mostly though, spring means the best season! Why don’t we spring forward… and look at 10 ways spring goes better with Coke?
1. Spring Cleaning
Aha! You found that corn chip you lost last July! It was right there under the rattan elephant foot! Spring cleaning inventories how many things a human household can lose in one year. You’re guaranteed a reward – $7.34 in coins and two melted (but edible) peppermints, discovered between the couch cushions. Plus Granny’s lost dentures! (The sofa cushions weren’t pinching you, after all!) With the rugs aired, the windows sparkling, and the dust balls, fur balls, and moth balls dust-panned away, an ice cold Coca-Cola tastes like… victory.
2. Picnics Under Cherry Trees
Picnics under cherry trees present a logistical problem – you need a cherry tree. If you live in Japan or Washington, D.C., you’re in the pink. Others have to search public parks. Once under a tree, luscious with petals, the rest is easy. Spread a blanket on the ground, open a picnic basket, serve little triangles of ham-and-cheese sandwich, deviled eggs, shortbread cookies, and pour cups of Coca-Cola. Then watch cherry petals drift down and settle into the cups. Voila! Cherry Coke!
Bumblebees love spring. They love most nuzzling a hallucinatory-pink cherry or azalea blossom, then coming out to be… lassoed! That’s right! Take a length of sewing thread and throw your tiny lariat around one pollen-covered leg, and your pet bumblebee will happily zoom around and around and around. And around. When it tires, gently slip the lasso off… and reward your broncin’ bumblebee with a capful of sweet Coca-Cola. You won’t believe how fast the little guy flies after that!
Nothing says springtime like the thunk! of a bat and a big fat white ball disappearing over a big fat white moon. What a happy launching pad, a ball park! Want to play? Bound off the bench and leave the dugout, race over the infield like a deer, leap the chalk foul line, slide to a dusty stop in front of the concession stand… and order two Cokes. Chug one on the spot, with cool drops streaming off your chin. Hustle the other one back to the dugout as a flagrant bribe: Put me in coach!
Know why trees like spring? People feed them! Trees like liquid fertilizer and those nutritious tree-vitamin stakes you hammer into the ground all around the dripline. But best of anything – better than being climbed in by kids or having their nuts shaken – trees like kites! Arborists say that trees, like humans, have particular tastes. Box elders like box kites. Dragon trees like dragon kites. Plain old trees like plain old kites. (NO tree likes a plastic kite!) Once a tree has fed on a kite, it may save the strings and fiber for its friends, the birds. And one wonders if a tree might ever want to finish off a kite snack with a big thirsty splash of Coca-Cola?
6. Four-leaf Clovers
It’s not easy to find a four-leaf clover! The Irish made sure of that when they spread a trillion shamrocks all over the world. Shamrocks, of course, have just three leaves, but every single one looks like a four-leaf clover… until you breathlessly pluck it and examine it up very close. (Blasted leaping leprous leprechauns! Three leaves AGAIN!) But there IS a secret way to stuff your pockets with four-leaf clovers… and get all the good luck they bring. How? Well, lads and lassies, among the Irish around Blarney Castle it’s a well-guarded secret… shhh!… that a shamrock anointed at dusk with one tiny amber drop of Coca-Cola will sprout a lucky green fourth leaf. Overnight. (It’s why the leprechauns all have lucky pots of gold!)
7. Marshmallow Biddies
What’s says spring like nibbling a marshmallow chick? Just make sure it’s marshmallow! How do you tell the difference? Dip the chick in warm Coca-Cola. If it flutters its little wings and comes up smiling… don’t nibble it.
8. Spring Showers
Are you like a big black bear that napped in a cave all winter in your own wug, and you’ve finally emerged from the house after football season to stand on the front porch and scratch under the arms of your t-shirt and blink at the light? You need a spring shower! In your particular case, let handlers administer the shower out-of-doors with a medium-velocity spray nozzle and an industrial cleaning solution like FunkNoMo. Remember to keep the run-off out of the flower bed… and don’t let it mix with the partly consumed two-liter Coca-Cola you lugged under your arm (Ewww!) from your lair.
Spring means bunnies… and just like four-leaf clovers, bunnies bring luck. How? Rub a lucky rabbit foot! Finding the lucky foot among four bunny-foot options takes trial-and-error, but once you locate the lucky one, rub it… and keep rubbing! The bunny may grow annoyed, even angry. Its eyes will turn bright red, but you may just have some good luck. How? Because if you’re lucky… the rabbit won’t bite you! (If it does, drink ice-cold Coke. It makes everything better.)
Hey, hay fever zombie! Now’s your chance for payback! Feel that next sneeze coming on? Quick! Run to the yard! Pluck that fuzzy little dandelion seed head … and ACHOOOOOOOOO! Does watching those little white parachutes fly away feel righteous? Take that, springtime! Now go warm some Coca-Cola in a teacup and add a little lemon. One sip works on sniffles... like magic! Always! Happy spring!
Charles McNair, a native of Alabama, lives and writes in Bogota, Colombia. He's the author of two novels, Land O' Goshen and Pickett's Charge. Get to know him here.
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